I had my first child in December of 1995 and my last May of 2008. We have 2 dogs that will follow me to the ends of the earth and back. Here is where I confess, I have not been to the bathroom alone since 1995! A child or dog is always in there with me and no I don’t consider locking the door, and peeing under pressure while a dog whines or child cries at the door, alone.
Today was the day I have been dreaming of since 1995. I got a whole 30 seconds alone to pee and then I took it a step further…there is a window in the bathroom. I stood looking out the window for about a minute, ALONE. It was nice, although I’m pretty sure to the house behind us I looked like a committed person starring out the 6th floor window in a creepy old sanitarium. It’s ok cause they are kinda strange any way. They never wave, I have about waved my arm off to the people in this neighborhood. You would think that by waving at them, I was asking for their right leg, left arm, first born and their great great Grandmother’s teeth! They slink around their house and jump when their movement activated light outside is set off by… themselves. There is this dog they have, looks to be a total and complete sweetheart of a dog. Odd part is that this dog is terrified of a butterfly, I can imagine they would need to employ the Dog Whispered if the poor thing ever saw its own shadow. “Woof! I am tellin you doc there is this other dog that keeps following me. It is always there, if I lift my leg it lifts its leg. Doc its really starting to creep me out…psst hey doc do you know where I can get a butterfly trap for my owners. Butterflies freak me out!”
My all time favorite though is the people across the street. They have 2 other houses, in the “city” and the one across from us is their vacation house. Now I should tell you that we live in a really wooded area, which is one of the huge draws for the vacation houses and cabins up here in these mountains. These people spent last summer cutting down half the trees in their yard, the rest will be this fall we are told. Roughly 2.5 acres of trees, not real earth friendly people I’m guessing. Bet she stands up there on her porch with her Aqua Net aerosol can of hairspray and oven cleaner shooting every bug flapping by, while drinking bottled water after plastic bottle. When we asked why cut all the tress down? I swear to the highest powers that be, the woman looked us dead in the eyes and said: “Well derlin we all, we’s just nosey and can’t see whatcha ya’ll are doin over there.” I promptly looked at my husband and we excused ourselves, on the way down the driveway I told him, “we really need to remember to pull the blinds down next time we want to have sex.” Last thing I need is a law suit over some person having a heart attack for seeing all my junk gleaming in the moonlight.
I take the wood people back, that is not my all time all time favorite. I completely forgot about the lawn mower gang. Let me explain while you catch your breath. You recall when you were a little kid or even when a child came to your house to ask: “Mrs. Rayne can your son come out to ride bikes with me? Huh can he, please pretty please…” Here, where we live….a bike is not the normal mode of transportation for kids, nope sure isn’t and ya’ll are gonna just lurv this..HEHEHE I will paint the picture for you, I hear the low rumble of an engine, a small engine. I see a child about 9, parking his John Deer riding lawn mower in front of our house. He climbs off like Roy Rogers, bare back riding a dusty trail, picking grass out of his hair and teeth. I open the door and he says: “Can your son come out and ride lawn mowers with me, ya’ll sure do have a nice one over there.” Lifting his pointed finger at our yellow & black Poulan in the side yard and then winked at me. At that point I looked at my husband was like, “ok honey just get me the hell out of here!” I had to tell the poor boy no because it was dinner time, and he tooled off in what I expect was 4th gear, mower deck up you know.
Later that night I am talking to one of my friends, in the north which is where I belong…oh trust me I really do belong in the NORTH! She has a John Deer and I have a Poulan so we had talked about maybe getting leather jackets that said “The John Dear’s” or “The Poulan Pretties” and maybe going across the country. Wind in your hair, feeling the speed of 6th gear and the whirl of the blades, the freedom of the open road or fields or un-kept yards. We had to dash our dreams before we got to far though. First there is no way her husband 🙂 Jim was ever going to let her take a road trip on the John Deer, let alone with me HAHAHA The Poulan, well it needs a new seat, has a tare in it and my behind would be wet all the time. You just can NOT be taken seriously as a lawn mower gang these days if your booty is dripping wet!