Everyday Dose Of Reality
Today was a long day. As I sat in the hospital with Macgyver it occurred to me that after the death of one of my children I never really made the time to grieve. I come from a long line of movers and shakers. No matter the pain if you move fast enough and don’t stop, theoretically it should not catch up to you. This is not true. I didn’t see it coming and I guess I should have known the moment I slowed down the pain would find me.
Five years ago we were blessed with the news that I was pregnant with identical twin girls. Shortly before I gave birth one of them passed. We had planned to name the girls Crystal Rayne and Amethyst Nicole, the family gems so to speak. Having a baby should be a joyful time, but with great happiness also comes great sadness. Amethyst was born first and I was thrilled she was fine. Being premature, as most twins are, there are concerns, low birth weights and mountains to climb. But after she was whisked away it was time to birth Crystal. All of the wind completely ripped from my sails. Seeing the limp hand and her silent pale face, made my heart stop. I never thought I would feel as heartbroken like I was that day. Yet again I was wrong.
Sitting and talking with Macgyver’s doctor and hearing the news of his diagnosis brought it all back. How the future had already been written, damage done and no way to reverse it. Sadly, I will admit that he and I are both smokers and have been for years. Knowing that it is bad for you on several levels, but never quite grasping the full ramifications of our choice to pick up that first cigarette years ago. The beginning stage of Emphysema have been clearly seen in the x-ray. After a short talk, obvious decision making and one prescription later we sat in the pharmacy. He started Chantix today and I am quitting cold turkey. It has been several months coming, but today was the push we needed. After losing a child I am not ready to lose my husband, and besides I haven’t said he could die yet. That was the agreement from the start, I would let him know when he could die and that time is nowhere in the near future.